What am I reading? April 19, 2012

So… i’m reading the hunger games. johnny come lately, i know. i saw the movie, but was told that the book was completely different. i dont like either. the movie caters to those who have read the books and could understand whats happening without explanation. the book, itself, lacks depth. i know and understand that it caters towards a younger audience, but still. it reminds me of “the giver”. when i was 11, i read that book and was blown away by it. it literally changed my life. it opened my eyes to this whole other dimension of imagination. i remember reading it again as an adult and still feeling that way.

yall should read that. “the giver” by lois lowry

thanks wikipedia

The Giver is a dystopian children’s novel by Lois Lowry. It is set in a society in the year 2065 which is at first presented as a utopian society and gradually appears more and more dystopian. The novel follows a boy named Jonas through the twelfth year of his life. The society has eliminated pain and strife by converting to “Sameness,” a plan that has also eradicated emotional depth from their lives. Jonas is selected to inherit the position of “Receiver of Memory,” the person who stores all the past memories of the time before Sameness, in case they are ever needed to aid in decisions that others lack the experience to make. When Jonas meets the previous receiver—The “Giver”—he is confused in many ways. The Giver is also able to break some rules, such as turning off the speaker and lying to people of the community. As Jonas receives the memories from the Giver, he discovers the power of knowledge. The people in his community are happy because they don’t know of a better life, but the knowledge of what they are missing out on could create major chaos. He faces a dilemma: Should he stay with the community, his family living a shallow life without love, color, choices, and knowledge, or should he run away to where he can live a full life?

heavy hearts June 30, 2011

conversation with the boy June 2, 2011

me:  well?

the boy:  I look so young

 me:  hahahha youre stupid

 the boy:  its all baby face now

 me:  hahaha whatever

 the boy:  you don’t believe me???

 me:  i do… at least its better than before

 the boy:  …

 me:  hahaha then why did you shave it

 the boy:  to make you like me!

 me:  yeah… about that

 the boy:  …………………

 me:  what… what!

 the boy:  you are messed up

 me:  what? how? HOW!

 the boy:  ummm how you talk about my affections for you!

 me:  there was no affection there! that was bribery!

 the boy:  ummm bribery works, this was more of an attempt of gaining your love!

 me:  i dont think you know what youre saying, youre all in a huff. calm it down woman!

 the boy:  You calm it down!

 me:  good one

I am CRAZY May 6, 2011

Seriously…

I went psycho crazy on someone for a stupid reason. It might be time for me to seek help or some anger management training.

Here’s the set up… I was driving to Whole Foods for lunch. It was a nice day. I had country music playing in my truck and I was singing along. (“great day” by travis tritt ) all is good with the world. I pull into Whole Foods and turn right to go into the garage. Suddenly “BANG BANG BANG” and someone yelling. I stop my truck to see what happened. I looked in my mirrors to find some stupid hipster yelling something at me as hes walking behind my truck. Then… I don’t know why or what happened… but it wasn’t good. Something came over me and it was OVER!

I JUMPED out of my truck, slammed my door and SCREAMED “YOU BETTER CALL THE COPS BECAUSE IM GOING TO HURT YOU! DID YOU TOUCH MY CAR? DID YOU TOUCH MY CAR???” and I am CHARGING at him. I am a lunatic.

The guy seeing how unstable I was took off. Probably for the best, bc I really would have hurt him in that state.

The bystanders were gawking at the situation. One old lady finally broke the tension. She said “you didn’t do anything wrong, but you should learn to act like a lady.”

That hurt my freaking feelings.

Meat Coma and other Penis Jokes April 25, 2011

so Easter came and went. it was nice. the boy and i went to shiner’s sister’s place to have a family meal. the boy made brisket, two ways. he was very proud. even more so bc it was so well received. everyone proclaimed to be in a meat coma. i always thought that was so funny… and gross. well meat sweats are grosser than meat coma. it was a really nice lunch. we all sat around and watched the boy play with shiner’s niece. shiner and i were joking around with shiner’s sister’s husband. he really enjoyed the boy’s brisket. and thats where the jokes came into play

“i dont think i can stuff any more meat in me”– the husband

“youre really great at taking all that meat in”– me

“it just feels so good in my mouth”– the husband

“you like all that meat juice?”– me

“i love it, it tastes so good”– the husband

“HAHAHHA you love the boy’s meat juice in your mouth? AWESOME!”– me

hahahah shiner then proceeds to ask me “as the people in your office ask… whats the matter with you?” hahahhaa i dont know why, but i enjoy laughing at my own jokes. i think im hilarious. when people make jokes and dance around the subject, i like to say it flat out and ruin the joke. for instance, in this case, most people would keep going w the “meat” joke. i find it funny to say “hahhaa its funny bc we’re talking about meat, but really we’re talking about penises” hahahah it ruins the joke, but i (right now am laughing).

the boy likes to think he’s funny too. he makes jokes and then i’ll use it against him. like the popular “you know how i know youre gay?” he’ll use that on me when i have girl moments or am sappy. in turn, i’ll say the same thing and say “you know how i know? bc you like having sex with men” hahhahahaha see thats not funny, but im dying. thats terrible right? to think yourself as being hilarious? even if it is, i will still/always think of myself that way.

the boy pretends he doesnt think i’m hilarious, but i know he does think i am. he and i will have laughing fits at least once a week. i love laughing fits. where you laugh so hard, you cant breathe or it hurts so good? i’ll say something to him and he’ll laugh and follow it with “whats the matter with you” NOTHING! YOU LOVE IT! its usually pretty terrible things that i’ll say… like he and i had a jail fight talk. he and i were talking once about how i was sick of him and was going to throw him off a bridge/cliff/somewhere really high. he said that i would go to jail with scratches all over me. and i asked “why? bc you went out like a little B****?” hahahhaha he said “NO! you heard me wrong! wait… like a little B****? hahahha what is the matter with you?” hahhaha i dont know whats the matter with me.

aye… my face hurts. i was laughing the whole time i was writing this. sigh…

lack of sleep April 21, 2011

sleep is an elusive concept to me. i want it, but i cant have it. like a child, i want it all that more. lately its been pretty bad. i’ve been falling asleep on my commute to and from work… at work… while talking to people… while going to the dang bathroom. its nuts. and it not even the “good kind” of lack of sleep. the good kind is when you have insomnia. thats awesome for weightloss by the way. just saying. its the kind that leaves me pissed off.

why cant i sleep? hmm well, let me tell you!

1. ranger danger. while i love him to pieces… hes a baby. the biggest crybaby you have ever met. when he wants something, he wants it right then and there. if you do not give into him, he will throw giant fits and cry. he will keep crying until you give in. if you choose to be strong and not cave into his sad cries, he gets angry. when hes angry he growls and bites. Ranger danger does not like to sleep in his crate. when hes feeling needy, he will cry and howl in his crate. this wakes me up several times a night. i have to be really stern with him and usually it works. hes huff at me, but will go back to sleep for a little while. his daddy is NOT consistant with him (EVER) so Ranger thinks its ok to keep on at things until someone gives in. on other nights like last night, he is in a mood and will not care if he gets a spanking or not. he will have his way or make everyone suffer. about the 5th time i’ve yelled at him to go to bed (its about 4:30 am at this point) the other puppies decide that they are going to join in. so now all 3 are begging to be let out. i have to get some sleep bc i have to work in the morning, so i, like a baby, give in and let them out. this is a mistake. schautze has to sleep right next to our faces or necks. she HAS to be touching you. shooter HAS to sleep in between the boy and i and HAS to be sleeping up against someone. Ranger HAS to sleep on or in between my legs or the boy’s. he HAS to. THEY HAVE TO. around 5am i get tired of schautze and the boy snoring in my ear. so i push her off to the side and push the boy to stop him as well. she has hurt feelings and sleeps under the bed now. shooter is running in his sleep, thus clawing me in the process. i push him, he comes back. while pushing him Ranger is tangled in the sheets on my legs. basically i get pushed off a king size bed by two 20 lbs puppies. what the crap.

2. the boy. oh my god, the boy. he snores. he wants to sleep right next to me while snoring. he wants to sleep with his arms around me. he wants to sleep holding my hand. all of that is fine, but the snoring part. he wants to do all that while snoring in my face.  ANNNNNNNND hes a selfish sleeper! when hes cold, he takes all the blankets. no idea why, but he needs them, so he takes ALL of them. when hes hot, he throws everything off and then sleeps on top of the blankets… my side included. what the crap. he wants to sleep in the middle of the bed! he claims that he wants to be closer to me. bull. he wants all the room. thats why i barely have room to move when the dogs are pushing me off the bed.

i hate life.

hahhaah not realy. im just cranky

coffee? April 19, 2011

Hello old friend, I missed you. Can we pick up where we left off? Probably not. Our vibes are all out of sync. Do you want to try to force this friendship? I don’t like forced friendships. So then what shall we do? Pretend and jump right in? How about just a toe?

Sip some coffee…

Things are ok. I just got back from a wedding. You remember Holly? Yeah, she got married this past weekend. It was awesome! She was super happy about everything, so all the work/stress was worth it. Come again? Oh. Well you know how weddings go. People want certain things and they want it to match the picture in their heads. That kind of stress… hahah yeah she was nutty, but that’s ok. She calmed down and it was wonderful. I was super worried that she was going to hate it. I love pressure like that, but it had me a little worried.  

Sip some coffee…

Me? Hahah no, I’m not getting married. Oh no, we’re still together, we’re just not getting married. He has to stop making me crazy first. Hahaha he does! He’s a nut case. He will never own up to it, but he is. I have to record one of our fights one day and play it for you. He’s crazy! I give him all this space to do whatever he wants. I want him to have bro time with his boyfriends. I really do. He’s happy hanging out with buddies; I’m happy with my peace and quiet. I like my space. He doesn’t like me liking space. He thinks I’ll run away. Probably because I keep telling him that hahaha. Its not mean! I kid, for the most part. He just likes to do things with me. He wants to share things that he enjoys with me. Hahhaha I just don’t like the things he does. I guess I could find it sweet vs annoying. I wont… its funnier if I don’t.

Speaking of funny… did I tell you that the boys and Jennifer went and did trapeze? Isn’t that awesome? Oh, I couldn’t because I broke my foot. Hahaha yeah I broke it again. Not as awesome as the other two times sadly… anyway. Yeah they went and did that. It looked super fun. I really want to go as soon as my foot heals. What? Well it was two hours long. The first 30 mins they just teach you what to do while youre up there and then… youre going solo! Its awesome! They did flips and a reach thing. You know where they reach out to other people and swing? Yeah! They did that! Awesome right?

OH!!! I went and saw the zac brown band! It was amazing! The best concert I’ve been to, ever. Sigh, I just love them so much. I always get super emotional hearing songs that I love, live. That guy has the best voice. Sigh…

Gulping the last bit of coffee…

Yeah… I should probably go too. We should do this again. Yeah, more often.  Ok, you take care. Bye

gloomy April 7, 2011

im in a gloomy mood. i got yelled at work for things that i cannot control. im fighting with the boy. my foot hurts. (oh… yall dont know this, but i broke my foot again. nothing major. its half way done healing)

im… sick person. when im sad, i make myself fall into a deep sorrow. it makes me… feel more. feel more than what i am feeling now. i know that what i feel and the reasons why i feel the way i do, means nothing. there is so much to be grateful for. so many blessings and happiness in my life. why should i be sad?

my poison of choice today… pablo neruda

“I wheeled with the stars,
my heart broke loose on the wind”

isnt that just so quietly sad? sigh…

“Like a jar you housed the infinite tenderness, and the infinite oblivion shattered you like a jar.”

“I can write the saddest poem of all tonight.

Write, for instance: “The night is full of stars,
and the stars, blue, shiver in the distance.”

The night wind whirls in the sky and sings.

I can write the saddest poem of all tonight.
I loved her, and sometimes she loved me too.

On nights like this, I held her in my arms.
I kissed her so many times under the infinite sky.

She loved me, sometimes I loved her.
How could I not have loved her large, still eyes?

I can write the saddest poem of all tonight.
To think I don’t have her. To feel that I’ve lost her.

To hear the immense night, more immense without her.
And the poem falls to the soul as dew to grass.

What does it matter that my love couldn’t keep her.
The night is full of stars and she is not with me.

That’s all. Far away, someone sings. Far away.
My soul is lost without her.

As if to bring her near, my eyes search for her.
My heart searches for her and she is not with me.

The same night that whitens the same trees.
We, we who were, we are the same no longer.

I no longer love her, true, but how much I loved her.
My voice searched the wind to touch her ear.

Someone else’s. She will be someone else’s. As she once
belonged to my kisses.
Her voice, her light body. Her infinite eyes.

I no longer love her, true, but perhaps I love her.
Love is so short and oblivion so long.

Because on nights like this I held her in my arms,
my soul is lost without her.

Although this may be the last pain she causes me,
and this may be the last poem I write for her.”

Stall Fight March 24, 2011

umm… so im in the bathroom at work. no one else is here. i hear someone walk in. i dont think anything of it. next thing i know… CLANK CLANK CLANK “can you get out of my stall?” it scared the crap out of me, so i cried out “OH  MY GOD” and then yelled “seriously????” i hear STOMP STOMP STOMP and the door slam. the freaking lady left in a huff.

my heart is still racing. i could have peed on myself… PEED ON MYSELF! i am a grown woman! i cannot pee on myself!!!! GRRRRR

who does that? crazy…

rut March 23, 2011

grr…

i really hate this. i am in the writing rut and i cannot get out of it. ive been trying to. i wanted to write about wedding fever that all the boys have. i wanted to write about all the babies around me. i wanted to write about my new obsessions… BUT I CANT. i always start it and i cant finish it. and its not like my usual unfinished thoughts posts. its just weird and stupid.

this rut usually comes about when i am kind of neutral in my emotions. im usually very dramatic. im super jazzed, pissed off, crazy, or sad. now… im just ok. i hate that. who wants to just be ok? its boring. i know, i know. i should be thankful that im just ok. things can be worse and terrible. i get that. get over yourselves. its not terrible and i am being a spoiled brat.

grr…